Sunday, September 11, 2016

it's all happening now

"Remember the moment you realized your life was happening? That actually, your life was the things you were doing every day and the things you were thinking and feeling and all of it wasn't some preamble to your actual life? The moment that hits is like a punch to the gut. It's like ripping the mask off reality."
-How to Live in the Present Without Annoying Yourself by Haley Nahman

I read this in a post on Man Repeller yesterday, and it hit me SO. HARD. All the "live in the present" stuff has never really reached me before, I'm not sure why. I get it when it's a moment like a concert you know you want to remember and be part of because you know the rest of your life doesn't shine as bright as that moment. But when it's all the everyday stuff like going to school and going to cross country practice and taking a shower and eating dinner, it's kind of just, "Eh? This is what I did yesterday, and I'll do it tomorrow and next week and next month." It doesn't feel special. It doesn't feel like something you need to be "in the moment" for because that's when it's so easy to coast on autopilot.

That feeling also has to do with the fact that so many of these things aren't necessarily actions I'm choosing for myself. It all just feels like it's leading up to what's next. I've always been so adamant about what I want to do-- go to Columbia so I can move to New York City and write for a major magazine-- and how I want to get there.

Now I'm at the terrifying and exciting point where I'm actually applying for all of this to happen. And it's not distant; it's next year.

So I'm in this track of mind where it's like everything I do is completely for that. All of the work in school and on the ACT is for colleges, and writing for the newspaper and keeping this blog is so I'll be prepared for the magazine world. It's not like I don't love these things, minus the ACT, but when I examine it, it feels like it's all ultimately to benefit the Future.

I'm not even sure if that's good or bad. But I'm almost never fully present. I'm always looking forward, and it's becoming even more difficult because everything I'm looking forward to is SO CLOSE. I need to acknowledge how real and present all of this is because I only have one more year of high school, one more year in Fayetteville, one more year with my friends, one more year with my life the way it is now because no matter where I go everything is going to change. And honestly I'm so happy with where I am right now. I'm ready to absorb the morning drives to school and the trips to Braums for ice cream and the way I see a friend every time I go to a coffee shop while it's my life.

much love,

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